Take a chance on my imperfection
Can I let me be "me"?
I have never been much into poetry. Maybe I never gave it the time it needed. Or maybe my mind is too restless, unable to pause and take in the word-imagery that poetry creates. Or maybe I am a visual, not an aural person.
Yet there are times when the words pour out in a form so unlike the prose I usually write. Is it a poem? I do not know. What I can say is that it comes from deep within. From pain and rejection. From hope that life can be and will be better tomorrow. From a deep belief that love and belonging can overcome all else.
In the world we live in now, we are all confused and unsure creatures, navigating change in our own unique ways. We long to not be alone on this journey, but we are daunted by the prospect of re-arranging ourselves to be palatable, acceptable. We just want to belong without twisting ourselves to fit whatever box the world - and the people in it - sets before us. We want to deconstruct those walls, turn them into plasticine, so we can fit better. And “so can you!”, we want to tell the box-keepers. But a part of me wants to forget about the boxes. I am exhausted by a lifetime of fitting in.
I woke up one morning and saw with blinding clarity that I do not have the energy to tinker with “the box” anymore. The box is a notion. An illusion. A cage.
Billions of cages, milling about in Brownian motion. Clashing. Morphing. Incessantly trapping, testing, moulding. Us. Me.
What if I were to escape mine and try swimming in the interstitial spaces, would I be able to, finally, just be me?
In the moments preceding that moment of clarity, the words below emerged (they may be a poem, but what do I know?), flowing through my fingers to the Notes app on my phone. This is my message to everyone around me, an invitation if you will.
Those closest to me may recognise me in this. Of course, they have known me better than I know myself. To all of my dear ones, your wisdom and generosity has sustained me, and I have finally caught up with what you were telling me all along!
For others, read these words as a manifesto as much as a prayer. Acceptance is a long road. I’m starting with you, but, eventually, I want to give myself the permission to be me.
You can also listen to these words below:
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About a year ago, I participated in the life-changing Memoir Workshop with and , where I made many new writer friends and found a writing community. The experience triggered a new inward journey I had not had the courage to explore before. One of the writing prompts around “giving myself permission” has stuck with me. I often write in response to it. As I did today!
Beautiful!
the best part is that growing up in this country with our radio and films around, almost all of us are naturally lyricists - you are a better one, having lured your prose to verse